I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
