I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
