Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
