I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
