The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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