I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
