I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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