T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
