the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You dont lie about slip and slides
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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