I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
