my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I wish there were birth control emojis
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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