This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
