So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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