I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
