Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Randomize
