i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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