My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
