his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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