Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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