How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
