We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
