I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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