I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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