Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Randomize
