I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
