I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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