I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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