Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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