Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
