Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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