Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
