I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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