he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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