Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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