Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
