I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
