I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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