too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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