When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
