Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
