i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
