I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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