You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
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No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
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My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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