I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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