Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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