I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
