You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
