I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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