i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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