so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
