My liver just broke up with me...
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
