you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
