We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
