He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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