9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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