His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
