she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
