You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
