How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
